thisisfantasia.com

Owning the Pattern

For a long time, I was my own worst enemy when it came to friendships.
I craved closeness but panicked when people got too close. I wanted connection but found ways to push others away through defensiveness, overthinking, or withdrawing before they could leave me first. Eventually, I realized the common denominator in all my broken friendships wasn’t “bad luck.” It was me.

Admitting that was painful, but it was also freeing. Because if I could sabotage connections, I could also learn how to build them.

1. Understanding Why We Sabotage

Self-sabotage in friendships usually isn’t about malice, it’s about fear.
Maybe you’ve been betrayed before. Maybe you grew up equating love with instability. Or maybe deep down, you don’t believe you’re worth genuine care. So you test people, pull away, or overcompensate until the friendship burns out.

Recognizing the pattern is the first step. When you catch yourself thinking, “They’re going to leave anyway,” pause and ask, “What evidence do I have for that?” Often, our fears are echoes from old wounds, not reflections of current reality.

2. Learning to Sit With Discomfort

Healthy friendships require vulnerability and vulnerability can feel terrifying when you’re used to control. You might want to “fix” moments of tension or retreat at the first sign of conflict.

But growth happens in the discomfort. When a friend disappoints you, resist the urge to run or shut down. Instead, practice sitting with the uncomfortable feelings and communicating honestly. Over time, you’ll find that true closeness isn’t about never being hurt — it’s about knowing you can work through it together.

3. Rebuilding Trust — Slowly

If you’ve burned bridges before, rebuilding may take time. Some people won’t be ready to reconnect — and that’s okay.
Start with small, consistent actions:

• Keep your word.
• Follow up when you say you will.
• Apologize when you’re wrong — without overexplaining or begging for forgiveness.

Trust is built quietly, over time. Let your new behavior speak louder than your past patterns.

4. Choosing Healthier Friendships

When you’re healing, it’s easy to gravitate toward the familiar, even if the familiar is chaotic or unkind.
Instead, start noticing how people make you feel: calm or anxious, seen or small? Choose to invest in friendships that encourage mutual respect, not emotional turbulence.

Healthy friends won’t make you chase their approval; they’ll meet you halfway.

5. Becoming the Friend You Want to Have

Ask yourself: What kind of friend do I want in my life? Then practice being that friend.
Listen deeply. Celebrate others’ wins. Communicate boundaries with kindness. Forgive.
When you embody those qualities, you naturally attract people who reflect them back.

Growth Over Perfection

Healing your relationship patterns isn’t about becoming a “perfect” friend. It’s about showing up, aware, accountable, and willing to grow.

If you’ve sabotaged friendships before, you’re not doomed to repeat the past. You’re learning new ways to connect. Every honest conversation, every moment of staying when you once would have run, is proof that you’re changing.

Friendship is a skill. And like any skill, it can be relearned, one honest, hopeful step at a time.

Thank you for being here!

Love, Fantasia